Alta Newsnet

[Steph]

PALACE ROBBED!

In a daring daylight raid which left twenty-two dead and fourteen wounded, a band of over one-hundred marauding outlanders, believed to be from nearby Valos, broke into the palace at Alta and cut swath of death and destruction from one end of the palace to the other.

The band was led by a strangely-armored female who spoke in halting Common. One eyewitness, whose name was not released, said, “It was horrible! She tore my suit! I paid over 7000 credits for it! And she ruined it without a thought! Where will this madness stop? I thought we’d be safe here within the walls of a gated community. How did she even get in? Look at my suit!”

Reportedly, the Mad Horde smashed several doors in their attempts to ravish the queen. Quoth she, “Those doors are NOT cheap! Several were solid gold, handcrafted by sla..er..craftsmen with YEARS of painstaking care! The craftsmen were abduct…hired from the outlying territories as childr…young apprentices and studied their whole lives to turn out doors of such quality.”

Gaining entrance to the Science and Technology Center, the Mad Horde proceeded to write hideous anti-Alta slogans on the walls, then made their way towards the Police Station. The valiant police department kicked the stops from the doors and slammed them shut to prevent the Mad Horde from gaining entrance and causing further damage.

The female leader is described as wearing a horned-demon helmet; her armor covered with the blood of what appeared to be several thousand different species. Her gloves were bathed in fire and her red-lightswords were waved about willy-nilly. She kept screaming something about being the “Mistress of a Thousand Deaths.” Another eyewitness described her as being the tallest human ever seen in Alta, “She was 9 feet tall, if she was an inch, and weighed 450 pounds, if she weighed an ounce. Her eyes! I’ll never forget those eyes as they pierced my soul! They showed through the helmet slits like twin eyes of Grunthar itself! Red, if they were any color at all!

If you have any information on this woman, please contact the Alta police department.

[Steph]

Mad Horde Strikes Again!

Hundreds of people were slaughtered, their limbs literally ripped from their bodies as the Mad Horde swept into the Alta Zoo. Killing any person who stood in their way, they cut a swath of devastation as they mercilessly freed the savage creatures caged within.

The ticket agent was reduced to mere paste, the result of a severe beating from many blunt objects.

Led once again by the "Mistress of a Thousand Deaths" and accompanied black-clad scientist, the entire horde proceeded to tear down the gates and fences which held the animals.

An eyewitness to the massacre stated, "Look at my shoes! These are four-thousand credit Smucci's! There's a scuff-mark on the toe! They're ruined, I tell you, ruined."

The Alta Police Department was called to quell the riot, and bravely stayed put in the police station to prevent loss of officer life. When interviewed, the police chief remarked, "Officer safety is our number one concern. We are a small force. If we'd gone charging in there with our stun-batons, it surely would have triggered more bloodshed."

The Mad Horde exited the town as quickly as they came and were tracked as far as the local cemetery.

If you have information about this attack, please notfiy the Alta police.

[Karel]

To: Alta News
From: Not-so-concerned Citizen.

Ya know, if these rich people spent more money on security and less money on clothes, maybe they wouldn't be so easy to rob.

And the Alta PD is a joke.

[Steph]

Mad Horde on the Rampage!

The Mad Horde streamed through the gates of the city today, wreaking death and destruction on whatever they touched. Their numbers have swelled to well over a thousand in the past month alone.

Raining terror throughout central Alta, they once again struck the palace, overwhelming the guards and mercilessly slaughtering all who stood in their way. The zoo was the first to fall, the newest ticket agent and all visitors being violently dismembered. Cameras posted around the zoo showed the leader, the "Mad Hordess" and her diminutive companion, who can only be described as the new second-in-command, drinking the blood from the dismembered corpses. The rest of the Mad Horde fanned out through the city, causing untold deaths and creating chaos by dumping liquid soap in the local fountain.

A plain-looking, slightly unkempt, fashion-disaster of a woman, (from Grunthar, no less) identified only as Pheeroneeka, had is to say (please understand that being from Grunthar, her common is not easy to interpret), "It was terrible! I walk along street an' see de Mad Horde coming in to de city from de outside. Dey come troo de gate in wave after wave. I only come here to shop, not live. If city fahders wan' more peeple to come to shop, dey need to have more guards. I not feel safe here."

The only surviving palace guard said, "I quit."

The Queen, Mayor, and Chief of Police were unavailable for comment.

This reporter thinks that being a guard or patrolman in Alta is the most dangerous job around. If you are a thrill-seeker with a death-wish, contact the Alta Police Department for employment.

[Steph]

Ambassador Safe

Peace talks between Grunthar and Alta took a turn for the worse yesterday, when Ambassador Le’lyan accidentally bumped into the king of Grunthar and then refused to settle the matter in the Grunthar Arena.

Under Grunthian law, slights must dealt with immediately. The Ambassador and her entourage escaped into the harsh Grunthar desert and sought refuge in a cave. Her bodyguards were slaughtered to a man while defending her.

A team of CBI agents, led by Agent Pathera Norans, was immediately dispatched. After a fierce fight against unruly, surly, and downright smelly, Grunthians, the team encountered a rock slide covering the entrance to the cave. Clearing the debris, the team resuscitated the ambassador and escorted her to Alta, pursued vigorously by rude, crude, and socially unacceptable Grunthians the whole way.

For their acts of bravery, Agents Pathera Norans, Conrad Bravura, Isioviel Sellyan, and Searos Carriams received the “Cluster of the Silver Flame,” the CBI’s highest award.

Althius Bergerdoninski, Director of the Charta Bureau of Investigation, had this say, “These agents, all of them, are what the CBI is about. They displayed courage, integrity and honor in dealing with Ambassador Le’lyan. The CBI is a better institution for having them aboard.”

It should be noted that the SWAT leader for Grunthar was unavailable, as she had taken another team to Reswoll in order to try to locate the Chief Of Station, Grunthar.

[Steph]

Raid on Swordsman’s Guild by Muffy Goldtoes

The Charta Bureau of Investigation staged a raid on the Swordsman’s Guild today. Their intelligence sources confirmed the existence of a drug lab on the upper most floor of the tower.

The Inner Eye had banded together with several members of the Hell’s Fury pirates and secretly moved their lab to the fourth floor bathroom; presumably to dispose of the drugs should such a raid take place. Unconfirmed reports point to the existence of several Dimension Y creatures present in the raid.

Over 25 persons were taken into custody, with several sustaining serious injury. The five agents swept into the building and politely asked the criminals to surrender. Several did as they were told, but those that resisted were dealt with in the gentlest way possible. The serious injuries were obtained by those who fell down stairs while attempting to escape.

Alta is a much safer place due the knowledge and dedication of these fine individuals.

Agents Jourgen Gallyn, Vrok Kolgest, D.R. Fist, Atomic, and the newest agent, Lent Aset, were observed by an impartial civilian named Sting. The agents received the “Medal of Glory” in a personal ceremony by Queen Wynnifred herself. Sting was no where to be found.

While their uniforms are sort of drab, they get the job done.

[Steph]

“Knights Today” by Muffy Goldtoes

Her Royal Highness, Queen Wynnifred of Alta invited a ragtag group of adventurers to the Palace today to take part in a secret mission. Our sources inside the Palace revealed the mission to be the recovery of the Sceptre of Kings. King Harold carried this sceptre for many years before his death until it was stolen by a thief of little renown named Louie Lightfingers.

The sceptre was subsequently stolen from Louie by the World Class thief, Hars Fufflehand. Hars then sold it to Happy Hogarth the Mage in Exotera (“Mage” is the Exoteran word for scientist). Happy knew it for what it was, but, since the king was already dead, he decided to hide it in an undisclosed location. He went to his own grave a few years later when he was involved in an incident between a sheep and a Dear Jon tractor, the location was never found. Until today.

The Queen’s Champion, Hallan Kwanju hired a band of mercenaries to find small goat figurines that, when combined together, would reveal the location of the Sceptre of Kings.

As the intrepid adventurers made their way into the dark, dank, despairingly dismal, dungeon-like cavern, they were set upon by large, loud, lewd robots of destruction.

There were several injuries which the on-scene medics in the group quickly took care of.

After retrieving the Sceptre, the group was once again treated to an audience with the Queen. This time as heroes instead of ragamuffins, the Queen conferring knighthood on them all.

Congratulations are in order for : Sir Reka of Alta, Sir Fennwick Broker of Alta, Sir Jourgen Gallyn of Alta, Sir Hignar Dotiamen of Alta, Dame Jade Swift of Alta, Dame Melinda Dalton of Alta, Dame Devia of Alta, and Dame Ana Delfini (who was also told not to rob the Palace anymore, but we think she will, anyway).

//Everyone said they had fun, but I got more positive feedback about the scavenger hunt that anything else. Sometime in the future, I’ll set up a TRUE scavenger hunt complete with several different items.

//Thanks to EVERYONE that made it fun for me as well as you. There were several times I was laughing so hard I spilled my coffee. ;D

[Steph]

"Strange Lights" by Muffy Goldtoes

Several residents of this glorious, gilt-laden city reported seeing strange lights heading north toward Valos. A few minutes later, the lights returned and again flew over the city.

A voice was heard from the rear light, saying something, believed to be, "On Crasher! On Thrasher! On D**khead and Ho-bag! On Dunderhead! On Blitzkreig! On Nertzberger and Asteroid! Go on, ya stinkin' red-nosed Randy bostids! Let's find a place to hole up for a bit and TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!"

Is this the return of the evil ne'er-do-well Psycho Santa? Some believe it is.

If you should happen to spot the git, use every means at your disposal to dispatch him and/or bring him to justice.

//HE'S BACK! ROOT put him into the game yesterday. You just need to find him.

[seaneleth]

// Aside from randomly porting to his workshop... oh... fifty times?

[Luke Hall]

//da